THE RIVER

Hello! .... It's been over 2 years!
Maybe I've been so busy with life difficulties, or with having fun, or maybe I forgot that I could have a voice here!

It's new year eve tonight. After midnight, the year will be called 2015 for another 365 days... some people are thinking about their resolutions for this year, and some think it's too lame to have one...who would achieve their resolutions any ways!

It goes by...like a river... a typical metaphor for life, and yet it describes it the best, the river goes on and you would be either sitting somewhere and watching it go by or be in it.

If you go in, at what layer would you be? would be on top experiencing the flow or at the bottom crawling over. If you are on top, would you be going with the flow or against the flow? what would you do when the river goes crazy? What would you do when it hits a rock? would you try to swim away as far as possible... or you would try to grab it and climb over?

What would you do when the flow is slow? ... would you do nothing or you try to move your hands and feet as hard as possible to make some waves?

How about others who are in the river with you..... would that matter.....how they swim, crawl,or surrender in the river.... would you feel different if you choose to crawl on the bottom of the river and you see someone on top swimming ahead?

Do you want/need to achieve something in this journey? What would happen if the river ends in a lake and there would be no more flow...... would it matter?

Whatever you choose to do for each of above, make your choices clear as water.

Happy New Year!

                                                   Grand River, Cambridge, ON, 2011.

Care Manual ?!

Me, life and thoughts.
me and a simple life who tries desperately to persuade me that it's difficult and cruel! 

I know there are some rules for human relationships, but the thing is I do not like some of them! They seem unfair to me! seem unworthy of following... rules to attract people and to keep them around by ignoring policies! these are the ones that annoy me, and at the same time, I am noticing that most of them are true......... in some ways!
why human beings should be stupid about recognizing care and love! there may exist a king of physical law of attraction/repulsion in this regard that I'm missing. Up to a specific time and level of care it attracts and after that you have to lessen the care to some level ...keep it...and then raise it again! must have a complicated equation or maybe a simple graph like the Sine one! 

OK, girl...why do you expect perfection! why keep complaining about this trait of human being. you know we are creatures with lots of flaws, you used to lecture about how animal we are and we have to accept it and live with it! so why not now?! why can’t you accept this! why you became an idealist again! here is your fact: human beings cannot take lots of attention! they will feel heavy and break. You have to feed them gradually; give ‘em a shot of love/affection and then let ‘em go and digest it.. ..then grab them again and give ‘em the next shot. They don’t get happy with swallowing couple of shots all together,  although it may sound tempting and cheerful, they will throw up on you, all the love and care you gave, in the end!

Human beings are most likely slow at conceiving, conceiving value of care, distinguishing care from neediness. Probably that’s why they throw up. Experience would probably help -- or some bodies just remain sensitive to shots of attention forever-- them to digest all shots at once and feel the happiness, to start realizing that the person who cares about you, not necessarily needs you... cares cuz it’s beautiful and warm... cuz it connects … cuz it holds.

I don’t like limiting care, don’t like limiting attention, don’t wanna draw a graph for it, follow the graph, an equation, and a plan to care. It needs to come natural to be felt. Care should be feeling like a hug, a warm and unplanned hug that assures you I’m holding you no matter why, or for how long …

But still... There is a trade, … living smart or living you!?

Cambridge, Ontario ...... Aug 2011

Lost and Found

Written on July 8th, 2010

I feel like I can really cry a river now!......which is weird, cause that’s one thing that I couldn’t do. What is wrong with you! Being about to burst into unfamiliar tears! What the heck is this that I can’t figure out! It’s not a feeling of missing family, friends or home! I can’t get it together enough to do my stuff. I can’t even talk to someone about it as I can’t explain it, and if I do, sometimes when they have no answers for a feeling they call it love! And for that a second party is needed that is not present right now ;)
But seriously what is it?

I need to be at my childhood again, I dunno, all those feelings keep coming back to me; each special moment of my childhood with a strong feeling comes back to me and can even make me cry! Isn’t that weird!? Maybe it’s not, but it is definitely for me. How far am I from those days! In time and even in space, maybe that's why they're such strong that I can’t even resist remembering them.

Am I lost? Lost in space and time! Is there a way to find myself back, is there really something to be found or should I make something fake for myself that can probably make me happy when I find it!

It all started with a single memory of me playing at my territory in our backyard. All those feelings of freedom and power over my little world…..really clear and strong that made me wonder where I am standing now!! What a simple life I had and yet used to try to make it complicated….maybe like what I am doing now!

And probably it all started when she was telling me about her trip to Shiraz and visiting Shiraz’s bazaar and I felt how bad I wanna be at all those spaces and spend an entire day exploring each of them while being invisible, I need to be invisible to be free of all those negative energies during my explorations. What is happening to my country? I am tired of being reminded of our over 2500 years of civilization but I really mean it. Why?! What knocked us soooo down? Except possessing all those damn natural resources like oil(!) I mean is there a specific character in terms of sociology that made us to accept this drastic change! Is there something in us that makes us unable to handle freedom and power?!

See! We are such political creatures that even when we are talking about our weird feelings we switch to politics! Well, it’s sociological rather than political….fair enough!

Back to my strange feeling…..so “now what” question…
That’s the hardest and somehow easiest part. Hard when you really want to find the reason behind to give a sound solution for it and easy when you decide to just move on and leave it to time to solve it to make it forgettable for you……and surprisingly the better way here is the easiest way, and more surprisingly It’s not easy for me at all; and even if I pick the easiest way I am sure the hard one tends to tempt me all the time…and probably the whole assumption of which one is the hardest one was wrong from the very beginning!

It’s getting dark…I mean literally…and I can’t go on doing my stuff as this means leaving this feeling aside. Even if I decide not to find a solution for it I really want to talk about it. This is a rare occasion; you can’t always find a feeling so strong like this….
Maybe I am really in love! ;)

p.s. my confusion can be seen by the number of times I used (!)
p.s.2 I realized I can’t even cry half a glass!

8:00 p.m.

Seeking "the One" Project - Followed by Application

Friends,Family!
Looking for your input....feed me with your suggestions
Here is the ingredients needed:

• Wise with some flavour of craziness 
• Decent with flavour of naughtiness 
• Honest, honest and honest with flavour of intelligence 
• Flexible with definite self-values, not taken from religion,though....cheater! 
• last but absolutely not least: Responsible and Caring 

I know these items usually do not mix up, but they did in me!
He can have any other "bad" traits as I do have some myself, but, apparently, these ones need to be the same!
Oh, almost forgot!.....needs to have a nice smile and must love life :)

See! OK, now, find me "the one" or do not ask me again.....that stupid question!

P.S. the guy needs to have 5 items out of 6 to be eligible to apply, do not aks for exception please!
and keep the tight deadline also in mind!

Stories Birthday candles tell us

So, we blow out birthday candles each year; and from one to the other, from one picture to the other, there...It’s hidden all the memories, achievements, losses, peoples, and basically the story of our life in one year. Do we really feel that! ...One year of “growing”, one year of “living”.

Looking at these pictures, I can see my life flashing before my eyes. And all of it looks really simple to me now, although it felt really challenging at its time. Yeah, it’s true, life may not be easy, but it’s simple. It goes by as simply as blowing out a candle each year. 

live now!

I bet you hear these sayings a lot

“live the moment”

“feel the moment”

“be with the moment”

“Live now.....live in the present”

What do they really mean? 

Some - including the previous me- may confuse these ideas with trying to be always happy and pleased and not letting anything make you sad since life is short and you have to enjoy every seconds of it. But, I doubt it now. Living the present, to me now, has more acceptance connotation than struggling.

Although, it is simply about being with whatever you are experiencing, it is, of course, more deep and challenging, especially for a person like me whose mind is always spinning constantly about ideas, past, and future. Well, I can talk about it more, but I prefer not to, as people experience living the moment differently. 

LIFE

To me:

No "right" definition. Stop looking for it.

Just LIVE it, and by truly living it you would feel the definition,

through experience and not only by experience,

meaning: a wise adventurous old man can not give you the right definition of life.

Trust and develop your own intuition,

to perceive a definition,

that is how you can live it.

and it is not a matter of time as often falsely believed

you may get there at the age of 20, or 40 or you can be 70 and not there yet!

Also no "right" rules/steps for how to get there.

The only think I can say is

Believe

believe that life is for YOU to LIVE it

the rest will come after

...

Photo by me, University of Waterloo campus, Oct 25,2011