Written on July 8th, 2010
I feel like I can really cry a river now!......which is weird, cause that’s one thing that I couldn’t do. What is wrong with you! Being about to burst into unfamiliar tears! What the heck is this that I can’t figure out! It’s not a feeling of missing family, friends or home! I can’t get it together enough to do my stuff. I can’t even talk to someone about it as I can’t explain it, and if I do, sometimes when they have no answers for a feeling they call it love! And for that a second party is needed that is not present right now ;)
But seriously what is it?
I need to be at my childhood again, I dunno, all those feelings keep coming back to me; each special moment of my childhood with a strong feeling comes back to me and can even make me cry! Isn’t that weird!? Maybe it’s not, but it is definitely for me. How far am I from those days! In time and even in space, maybe that's why they're such strong that I can’t even resist remembering them.
Am I lost? Lost in space and time! Is there a way to find myself back, is there really something to be found or should I make something fake for myself that can probably make me happy when I find it!
It all started with a single memory of me playing at my territory in our backyard. All those feelings of freedom and power over my little world…..really clear and strong that made me wonder where I am standing now!! What a simple life I had and yet used to try to make it complicated….maybe like what I am doing now!
And probably it all started when she was telling me about her trip to Shiraz and visiting Shiraz’s bazaar and I felt how bad I wanna be at all those spaces and spend an entire day exploring each of them while being invisible, I need to be invisible to be free of all those negative energies during my explorations. What is happening to my country? I am tired of being reminded of our over 2500 years of civilization but I really mean it. Why?! What knocked us soooo down? Except possessing all those damn natural resources like oil(!) I mean is there a specific character in terms of sociology that made us to accept this drastic change! Is there something in us that makes us unable to handle freedom and power?!
See! We are such political creatures that even when we are talking about our weird feelings we switch to politics! Well, it’s sociological rather than political….fair enough!
Back to my strange feeling…..so “now what” question…
That’s the hardest and somehow easiest part. Hard when you really want to find the reason behind to give a sound solution for it and easy when you decide to just move on and leave it to time to solve it to make it forgettable for you……and surprisingly the better way here is the easiest way, and more surprisingly It’s not easy for me at all; and even if I pick the easiest way I am sure the hard one tends to tempt me all the time…and probably the whole assumption of which one is the hardest one was wrong from the very beginning!
It’s getting dark…I mean literally…and I can’t go on doing my stuff as this means leaving this feeling aside. Even if I decide not to find a solution for it I really want to talk about it. This is a rare occasion; you can’t always find a feeling so strong like this….
Maybe I am really in love! ;)
p.s. my confusion can be seen by the number of times I used (!)
p.s.2 I realized I can’t even cry half a glass!
8:00 p.m.
